The Garden
Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash
Have you ever felt left behind?
Felt like others were accomplishing milestones while you have remained put, almost felt like you were regressing?
Who have you blamed for this?
What are the emotions you have experienced?
I have felt left behind and have experienced insurmountable anger not to mention jealousy- the green ugly one- the one that wonders why things are going forth for others while nothing is happening for me.
I have sat in that space, withdrawn. I simply didn’t feel, I didn’t feel God, I didn’t feel people, I just wanted to be by myself and even when I left to be with people all I wanted was to escape them and go back to isolation.
Then the phone calls came, Ruth I am sick, another one came I have lost my mum, another came I have lost my aunt, and another came I have lost my grandmother, and yet another came why didn’t you come for the funeral? They asked for you- and all I could say is forgive me.
If there was a time I have hurt my loved ones, it was this season. This season I have been sad for people but I didn’t have tears to cry, I have been happy for others but I didn’t have a smile on my face.
I have cried for the losses around me and my heart has truly felt bereft. My to - go - to family left the country in April, my real close friends live in other cities and some have also left the country. My sister is busy with her family and the people I have discipled are going ahead to accomplish amazing milestones yet when I look at myself I see nothing. Hence the cry, what about me?
What about me, I have come to realize is the anthem of a pity party, and oh how I have wallowed in self pity- refusing to join others in their happy moment or their sad moment because I couldn’t see beyond myself. However, even in this dark space glimpses of light kept coming through. My sister calls, my friends call, I began a short course on leadership and God is speaking.
How God spoke
I was rereading the novel Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and in previous reading I have felt I am the victim, I am Angel who needs to be loved, after this reading I wondered what if I am Michael, what if I am the one showing hurting people God’s love…ironically I have been showing hurting people God’s love but I have always felt like a victim. I now recognize that I am not a victim but a co-heir with Christ.
Another incident happened last week as I sat with a young man who I am taking through discipleship and he was sharing his dreams with me and wow!! His dreams are amazing and I know they will come to be and as I stared at him dreaming and articulating I knew what I am about, I knew I am supposed to be there praying for him, showing him Christ and shepherding him to be all God has called him to be. But the question “what about me” kept tugging at my heart.
The weekend was spent studying pre-work for my leadership course and I was reminded that I am created in God’s image and after his own likeness to rule, and that my work is worship. I believe somewhere in rereading the course material I blurted out what if this is my life, what if my dreams never come true, what if this is it. After all truly this is it, this life as it is is my reality, this is the life that God has bestowed on me. I am still mourning for my dreams. I have wanted them for so long and I am still struggling with their “seeming” delay, but they are just that; dreams and fantasies and God needs to help me lay them at his feet and trust in him whether he brings them to be or not.
For some reason I have also been reminiscing about the past and I noted the moments I lost especially with loved ones because I was worried about the future. This has taught me to take advantage of today. To be present in the present, in the now. The past and the future are just that, the past is gone and the future is ‘que será, será’.
I have decided to embrace my reality, my today and so help me God be joyous at it. I think this maybe the hardest, rejoicing in others’ accomplishments, knowing for his own glory God allowed me to be part of their journey, but
● I realized I was enticed by my desires, my dreams and while at it sinned.
● I confessed my sin of discontentment and envy- I learned I could not see what God has done or is doing in me if I am busy looking at what he has not done.
● I relinquished control back to Him of knowing what is good for me.
● I was reminded I am still happiest when speaking into people's life and showing them Christ.
● I learned that things grow in the desert.
I know these above still feel raw but I know God is still moulding me into Christlikeness for his glory.
Finally, I saw a vision of God tending his garden. At first all I could see was one tree and once he was done with that, I saw the next tree. I noticed that the trees were different and trees needed different things, some just needed pruning and watering, others needed pruning and manure, others were completely dead and needed to be dug out, the soil treated and the living roots replanted. I saw he met the needs of each tree and was stunned to see he was prepared to meet the needs of these trees. My conclusion was God the vinedresser knows and is prepared for my needs and the needs of the next person and I am where I am supposed to be.
“When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
James 1:13-17 NIV
Call to Action
Is there a time you have been blind to what God was doing in your life because it seemed His pace was slow? How did that affect your relationships with God, others and self?
What has the surrendering process been like? Was it easy or difficult?
Is there loss in your life? How are you dealing with it?
Pray for one another in your Hub or as the Lord leads
About the Author: Ruth is passionate about helping facilitate healing for people lost in addiction. Through discipleship and counseling, she has seen many individuals in Kenya and elsewhere in the world find freedom in Christ. She is an All Nations field worker based in Nairobi, Kenya under the Kampala hub.
Ruth’s testament of Jesus’s victory in her own journey of healing from addiction can be viewed and purchased at https://amzn.to/2YF9ci0.
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