How we pursue healing and wholeness: One family's story
This article was originally shared in Feb. 2021. Angie has updated the article with a post script at the end of "My story of Burnout and How I Learned to be Healthy and to REST."
Introduction
I want to share some stories of healing from our 12+ years on the field. We have experienced burnout, health crises, disconnect, and loss. But through it all, God has been faithful and has cared for us in ways too numerous to tell. He has taken every hard thing that we have encountered and used it to bring healing and redemption. Our faith and trust in Him have grown and been strengthened as we have watched Him show up again and again and again.
My story of Burnout and How I Learned to be Healthy and to REST
One of the biggest stories of healing that I have is from burn out. For the majority of my life, I lived with constant FOMO (fear of missing out) and always needed to be doing something. This was caused by a number of factors:
1. I simply didn't know how to rest.
2. I didn't value rest. Both society and the church have a culture that values being busy, being exhausted, being overwhelmed, and overworked. I fully bought into this.
3. I had a faulty belief that I needed to earn God's approval. I needed to be constantly working hard to prove that I was a good '_______' (insert role: wife, mom, Christian, missionary etc...). I was afraid of being alone with the silence and solitude that rest brings. I didn't know what I would find there. Would God show up in the quiet? I guess I thought that if I kept busy, I wouldn't have to deal with that question.
4. I didn't respect myself enough to care for my body the way I needed to - eating the right foods, getting enough sleep, taking breaks.
5. I had no personal boundaries. I felt obligated to say 'yes' to everything that was asked of me.
As a result, I was constantly running, usually on empty, and the quality of what I was doing was poor, and my ability to do what I wanted to do was significantly reduced. But I didn't know anything different, so I just kept pushing. Huge life stressors came my way and pushed me past the brink - my father dying while I was finishing my master's degree (post-college higher education) in half the time recommended, having a baby, moving to Kansas City for Church Planting Experience (CPx), having another baby, moving onto the mission field. When I finally arrived on the field, I was completely exhausted. I kept telling myself that it was normal and that all moms with toddlers are tired, so I kept pushing. Then I had two miscarriages in six months and my levels of exhaustion kept on climbing, but I kept pushing.
The final straw came when we changed our diet to be culturally relevant and to save money. We reduced our vegetable intake, doubled our carb intake, and halved our protein intake to eat the way locals do. Then we started getting sick. By 2012 huge, painful, Job-like boils began forming on our bodies. The kids were getting crazy rashes. There were severe digestive reactions to the foods we were eating. And I was beyond exhausted and had severe insomnia at the same time. We were at the doctor weekly with different infections and illnesses and on antibiotics regularly. I was so exhausted that I couldn't put sheets on a bed or heat up lunch without having to sit down part way through the process. We prayed for healing and cried out to God for answers, but nothing was changing.
God's answer came in a very different form than we imagined. A friend offered to pay for us to have two consultations with her nutritionist. This gift changed the trajectory of our lives forever. We realized that we had some pretty severe food intolerances and/or allergies, serious candida overgrowth, and that I had severe adrenal fatigue. It was disheartening to realize just how sick we were and a relief to know WHAT was wrong and that healing, health, and a better life were available to us. It was the first time I had had hope in a long time. I remember weeping when talking online with our friend who gave us the free nutritionist consults. She is an ER nurse and clinical educator in a major city in Canada. She looked at me and said, 'Honestly Angie, I have no idea how you are functioning.' I also wept through a number of my initial consults with our nutritionist.
The gift of those two consults with the nutritionist began a journey that continues to this day - we drastically changed our diet, started eating for our body types, starting giving our bodies what they need in the form of nutritional supplements, starting living 'cleaner' - using natural household and body products and started exercising regularly. There is much more that I can say about this journey, and if you are interested in talking to me, or to our amazing Christian nutritionist whom God used to save our lives, please contact me directly or email inbalancelm@gmail.com or check out her website: http://www.inbalancelm.com/.
In addition to the consult with the nutritionist and the changes that followed, Jesus took me on a journey, and I started to learn, very slowly, how to rest. Before I crashed, it was almost impossible for me to stop and sit down. I couldn't do it. If I did stop, I would either instantly fall asleep or feel so guilty for not doing something that I would freak out and get up and keep working. I remember telling Kev, 'OK, I am going to lay on the couch and purposely waste time and watch random YouTube videos for the next 10 minutes.'
His eyes would get big, and he would ask me, 'Do you think you can do that?'
My response? 'I am not sure, but I am going to try. I have a timer set to help me.'
As we sought to get healthy:
1. I learned HOW to rest, in a way that benefitted ME. I realized that I needed different types of rest in different seasons and times of my life. I learned to listen to my body and ask Jesus what I needed to do to best rest and take care of myself at that moment.
2. I learned how to value rest and see it the way God does. I learned to follow God's command and example to take time off, even if it meant being counter-cultural. I learned to follow Jesus and only do what I see the Father doing. I learned to trust Him that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness. I realized that if I don't have time to 'do it all', then that means I am doing something that He has not asked me to do, and I need to stop and bring my expectations and 'to-do list' before Him and throw out everything but what He has asked of me.
3. I learned that God loves me regardless of what I do or don't do and that I can REST in His love for me. I learned that my performances don't impress Him and that driving myself into the ground doing things He hasn't asked me to do actually wastes my time and makes Him sad. I also got brave enough to confront my fears about being still, quiet. And I have learned to love solitude and silence. I learned that God doesn't always show up the way that I would prefer, but He is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS wants to meet with me. It is actually a real delight for Him.
4. I learned to respect myself and give my body what it needed in the form of food, water, supplements, rest, days off, and sleep. I learned that my life needed margins and that running at 110% or even 90% capacity wasn't doing anyone any good. I learned to live a life that I enjoy and that I don't need to consistently escape from.
5. I learned to set boundaries and say 'no', even if it disappointed people that I care about.
It has been over eight years since our first consult with our nutritionist, and I am still growing. All of these areas are 'works in progress' for me, but as the years go by, and I continue to implement them, I find myself feeling better in my mid-forties+ than I ever did in my 30s and maybe even in my 20s. I thank God for my friend who gave us the gift of health and started us on the road to healthy living and learning to REST.
Post Script:
I have frequently said that I did such a good job burning myself out by 2012 (see story above), that I don’t ever need to repeat it, I couldn’t perfect it if I tried. I have also frequently said that there is no human on earth who I want to impress badly enough to do that to myself again.
While I have indeed learned the importance of rest and I work hard to create and keep margins in our family life/schedule, sometimes the circumstances of life push us farther than we’d like and cause stress and/or burnout despite our best laid plans and intentions.
The lessons I learned about stress and rest described above were recently put to the test. I have had to reduce what I do and rest more than I would like for much longer than I thought I would. It has been frustrating and humbling and has reminded me that I am valued and approved by God based on what Jesus did on the cross, not on anything that I do in an attempt to impress Him or earn His love. Jesus defines my value, not me.
I have had to slow down and really listen to my body and honour what it needs and stop myself from doing good and helpful things that would have been ‘impressive’. I have had to say ’no’ to things that I would have loved to say ‘yes’ to because I knew saying yes would have burned me out. I am fighting to see the long game and remind myself of the years it took to recover from burning out when I want to do ‘just one more thing’. Interestingly, my word for 2022 from the Lord is ‘gentle.’ So easy to be gentle to others, but to be gentle with myself? Much harder. It is not easy, but I know it is worth it. Learning to value myself as He does, a small thread of redemption in the midst of the mess.
__________________________________________________________
Addendum:
Our Miscarriage Stories
I want to share some of our miscarriage stories. We lost one baby to miscarriage when we were newly married, but I want to talk about the others we lost while on the field.
Miscarriage is a socially unrecognized loss. The church often minimizes the gravity of this loss. The same people who fight to protect children in the womb from abortion, fail to see the baby who was lost and the mother, father, siblings, and family who grieve when a miscarriage happens.
Through very different circumstances, we lost two children to miscarriage on the field in February and July of 2010. The experiences were painful physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was hard physically because in addition to the physical pain and exhaustion of going through a pregnancy and then a miscarriage, there were complications / incompetence on the part of the doctor and I had a procedure that would have been best done under general anesthesia with no pain meds at all. I'm quite convinced that unless I am tortured for my faith, I won't experience pain like that again.
It was hard emotionally because we were all so excited to add another member to our family. When we told the kids (3 and 5) that the baby died, their first question was, ‘Did the baby die because we rubbed your tummy too much/too hard?’ My heart broke at their grief and I reassured them that it wasn’t their fault AND that their baby brother/sister loved it when they rubbed my tummy and talked to him/her.
It was hard spiritually because we were in so much pain. I wrestled with questions like: How could You allow this? If You are powerful, why couldn't You save at least one of my babies? Where were you? As I dealt with the grief of the loss it was interesting how each experience was different. For one of the babies, I would fall asleep crying, for the other, I would wake up crying.
When I asked Him where He was, Jesus showed me a picture where He was standing behind me during one of the painful procedures. He was near/supporting my head and He was crying. After that moment, my grief was significantly better and I didn't cry myself to sleep anymore.
Since then, when I have a painful/scary medical procedure coming at me, I will ask Him where He is in the room. Sometimes He is gracious and shows me, but even when He doesn't, I always know that He is there. It was one of the redemptive threads of healing that He wove into our lives. The Lord has brought further redemption and has used our pain to help and encourage other couples who have gone through miscarriage. I love the unborn and have a passion to fight for their value and safety.
For anyone who wants to talk more or is interested in more resources, please contact me. Years ago I created a miscarriage support group while doing my master's degree in marriage and family therapy and I was recently a part of a few podcasts on losses in the womb that you may find helpful.
Creating and Maintaining a Healing Connection with Our Kids
One of the most important things we have learned about parenting and family is to ensure that we have a good heart connection with each of our children.
We try to create a culture of talking openly and honestly about our emotions. We repent to each other and to our kids when we make mistakes. We aren't afraid to tell them when we have messed up and model for them (more often than we would like) what it looks like to struggle and persevere through life issues.
We try to speak each other's love language. This has worked best for us by ensuring that we as parents date each kid once a week for an hour and we each spend 10 minutes of 'special time' with each kid - they get to decide what to do during our time (exception: I try to stay away from electronics and do other things). A few months ago our son, Ethan (13 years) said to us that he thinks that the reason we are so close as a family is because of our 10 minutes each day.
We learned the hard way about connection a few years ago after one of our furloughs/home assignments in North America - it was so busy with so many wonderful, loving people to visit, but we were 'on' all of the time. This meant we were stressed, grumpy, and tired and had little time or heart energy for connection with our kids, and our relationships with them paid dearly. We got back to Romania and felt like we had emotionally lost, almost completely, one of our kids, and our relationship with the other one wasn't great either. Kev and I focused on our daily 10 minute 'special times' with each kid and we really started listening to what was going on in their hearts vs. yelling or trying to control their behaviour. We corrected way less and loved and spoke identity way more.
I am happy to say, that 7 months later, we had a stronger than ever connection with both kids and our one child who was 'lost' - emotionally shut down - was 'back' and more open-hearted and loving than ever.
I don't ever want to forget that lesson and the small choices along the way that got us to a place of such horrific disconnect. So, I am reminded to not make my 'to-do lists', plans, schedule, program, or even homework for ministry more important than them.
When they ask for help, I try to stop and CONNECT with them - eye contact, a touch, a thoughtful response to their question vs. answering just enough to be left alone. I want to make them feel like the most important person in the room at that moment, to treat them how I would a friend who had asked for help. I am reminded to initiate times of true connection throughout the day, a hug, an encouraging word, eye contact, empathy, etc., and to ask good questions and engage their hearts.
When disobedience, sibling rivalry, or frustrations occur, instead of yelling or being angry, I try to sink down and hear their heart motives for the things they did vs. correcting the behaviour and I try to speak to those heart motives with love and tenderness.
This is all so easy to write, so hard to walk out. Jesus, give us grace to choose You 'in the midst' of it all and to start making hundreds of mini-decisions daily that are a 'yes' to partnering with the Spirit and that bring healing and connection to our families.
About the author: Angie Weigelt and her family have been fieldworkers with All Nations in Romania for more than 13 years. She is a homeschooling mom, who is passionate about Jesus, cooking nutritious food, and being authentic and compassionate as she loves and encourages the people around her. She enjoys deep conversations over warm cups of yumminess with friends, photography, reading, doing puzzles, and hiking the Carpathian mountains that surround her city.
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