Depaysement

The first time I (Jamie) lived abroad was 2010. I was 21 years old and living in Paris, France. While I was there, I came across a French word, dépaysement, which doesn’t have a direct translation into English. It is an emotion word that is attempting to capture that feeling of being somewhere that isn’t your home as you have previously known it (literally de-countried). It is not a “negative” or “positive” feeling. It’s a change of scenery, novelty, homesickness, discovery, discomfort, disorientation, culture shock, apprehension, excitement, nervousness, that feeling of being alive, elation, fear, overstimulation, isolation, giddiness, frustration, unsettled, possibility, hope, exhilaration, a new beginning, disconcertment, unfamiliarity, disconnection.

When I looked up this word I found each and every one of these words used in an attempt to describe it and they all resonated. Even the ambiguity of the word itself seemed to speak to my experience.

I remember day one. I dropped off my bags at the hotel but I couldn’t check in yet so I grabbed my computer and wandered down the street to a cafe. I hadn’t slept in a day and a half and I was already missing everyone I said goodbye to less than 24 hours ago. I realized that it was the middle of the night in America and they were all asleep while the world around me was bustling with the sounds of a new day. The screeching of the steamer preparing cappuccinos for the crowds making their way in and out of the metro with purpose as they headed to work or school. The juxtaposition made me feel so far from home and so out of place. I wondered what it would look like for this place to become my home? I wondered who would I become here?

Fast forward to January 1, 2024. Here we are again. It’s 3am and I’m in a hotel room in Bangkok. This time I’m not alone- my husband is beside me and my kids are asleep in the next room. I’m wide awake because it's the middle of the afternoon in America. I think about my family and friends who we said a tearful goodbye to just the day before and wonder what they are doing. I hear the sounds of revelry on the street below and smell the unfamiliar scents rising from the vendor carts and this time the disconnection I feel from the world around me is so vast it's difficult to imagine this place as my home. And if it did become my home, what would that mean for my old “home”? Would I still belong there?

Living in another culture has a way of bringing our true reality to light. Even when we are in the places that feel most settled and familiar, we are still exiles in a foreign land. We long for a home that we were created for and we belong to but can only see glimpses of as we eagerly await the restoration of all things.

And, while we have hope in this future glory, we are not meant to sit back idly and wait for it to come to pass. We must allow discomfort to transform us, goodness to restore us, and hope to strengthen us. This kind of eyes-wide-open, heart-fully-engaged, action-oriented living is where change is possible both in ourselves and in the world around us. It is the space where we integrate our past, present, and future selves into the true self that God created us to be, regardless of our physical location. It is where the ongoing work of redemption takes place and its the place I'm learning to call home.

About the Author: Jamie is serving in Thailand with her husband and two children. She is passionate about working to create pathways that both prevent women from entering the sex trade and provide a way out so that they can discover the hope and healing that is found in Jesus. She earned her MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Denver Seminary in 2016 and has been working as a professional counselor since then.

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